Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
