the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
