dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
