we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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