the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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