fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
