eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
