i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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