my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
