You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
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This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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