So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just gift wrapped bread.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I deserve this hangover.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
