it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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