soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
