why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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