who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
