goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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