my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am