i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween