My friends, they love my intelligence
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP