i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
