she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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