Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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