i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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