i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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