Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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