I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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