I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
