he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
