he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
