I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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