I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
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She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
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After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.