I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt