we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
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I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
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We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers