this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
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We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
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I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize