I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
