All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
