I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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