Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
