Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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