So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
