Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
