based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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