My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm getting married
To pizza
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
