just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
it's great music for shaving your balls
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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