i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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