Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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