You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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