I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
