im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
