I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
