i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
