There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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