Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
