i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
