She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
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I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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