literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
